2012: Doomsday Might Be the Worst Movie Ever Created

The movie opens up with the token archaeologist finding a solid gold cross in an ancient Mayan temple; and it goes downhill from there.

There are so many things wrong with 2012: Doomsday that I doubt I can list them all.

• Every character is painfully one-dimensional.

  There's the protagonist (the blond-haired Christian missionary who dresses like a skank and spends the first three minutes of her air-time wandering around aimlessly, "looking for a doctor" on foot instead of picking up a god damn phone book), her father (who just happens to be one of the people involved in the committee handling the global crisis-- and doing a shitty job, might I add), the photo-journalist who acts like he's been overdosing on estrogen for the past six months, etc. You get the point.

• Diversity? What's that?

  Apparently, the creators of this film believes that everyone on planet Earth follows the same religion. Sure, there are a few "non-believers" thrown in for good measure, but the acting is so shitty and transparent that you can tell 4 minutes in that every single one of them is going to "find God" by the time the credits roll.

  On a similar note, I did not see ONE black person in the whole fucking movie. Why is that?

• Every character stands around contemplating their purpose in life while the world falls apart around them.

  For the first time in years, I actually prayed... that someone like Rambo would show up, kick everyone's ass, and tell them to get a fucking move on instead of standing around whining about, "Maybe THIS is my purpose. Maybe THAT is what God has planned for me!" Shut up, stop thinking, and get down to fucking business, people! It's the end of the world and you're pussing around wondering what the giant sky-daddy has in plan for you. Here's a tip: It probably doesn't involve "you standing around not doing a fucking thing!"

• The story is entirely predictable.

  In suspense movies, I like to make it a challenge to predict what's going to happen next. In this movie, I had to make it a challenge NOT to predict what was going to happen next, because there was enough foreshadowing in this movie to give Charles Dickens a boner.

• Every male character was a giant walking vagina.

  I don't know how they did it, but the actors in this movie made the male characters better women than the female characters.

  

  Look at this smug piece of shit right here. Don't you feel the urge to take a sledge-hammer to the base of his skull?

• They didn't even bother to choose a plausible "End of the World" scenario.

  As a regular reader of Exit Mundi, I was bitterly disappointed at the lack of creativity that went into producing this movie. The earth's rotation is slowing down? Lame!

• The producers obviously don't know how to tell a story.

  The pace of this movie was, well, there was no pace. You start off with a shitload of random, disconnected characters that suddenly all run into each other in an attempt to put a tiny piece of metal in a slightly larger piece of metal in hopes of stopping the End of the World-- even though all they would have to do is wait it out and the Earth would have begun rotating again as a direct result of its orbit. But nevermind how the universe actually works.

  Then, this cinematic catastrophe closes with some lady giving birth-- an obvious and unnecessary metaphor for Jesus Christ. Combined with "Plane #666," this movie shows that you don't have to be creative to sell a crappy film to gullible movie-watchers. It goes without saying that I'm so glad we downloaded it off the internet instead of buying/renting a copy of this horrendous movie.